In the silence that followed that slip of the tongue, Leonard felt sick. His stomach instantly knotted up and twisted until he felt like it resided in his throat and not where it was supposed to be. Jim’s silence weighed heavy on him and for a damn second he thought throwing up was a sure fire thing. What was he thinking?
No. That’s the problem. He wasn’t thinking. He went and opened his damn mouth and didn’t check the words before they came spillin’ out like so much damn nonsense. The doctor felt horrified in ways he couldn’t even begin to explain… if he lost Jim…
The first sound of Jim saying ‘no’ so abruptly felt like a stab to the gut and he instantly pulled his hands away from him. It felt so mellow dramatic in some ways. They just hovered there a moment unsure what to do until he felt Jim’s hands on him. Even if Jim didn’t force him, he felt like he couldn’t go against that insistent push for him to finally look at Jim again. The marginally wide eyes of fear finally dared to look up into Jim’s face and Leonard had to clench his jaw as he searched for something, anything to say that might fix this in some way Jim wouldn’t push him away entirely.
Tell me you mean that.
Blinking a few times, the fear shifted to something more like shock. How could—did Jim really think he’d dare say anything like that to him and not mean it? He would apologize for saying it, sure, but hell would freeze over before he negated the truth behind those words. And the tone of his voice… damn it but it broke his heart.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes a moment and told himself, for better or worse, he needed to speak plainly and honestly. Cause god help him, he didn’t want to hurt Jim with lies or platitudes. He could never be that selfish. Especially not when he came to Jim. Which was why he reached out slowly once more, his fingertips barely grazing his cheeks before he cupped the blonde’s head in his hands. “You listen well and good, Jim… I would never go and say somethin’ like that to you and not mean it. It’s not just some phrase I throw around cause it’s easy or cause it’s the only thing to say. Those kinda words are sacred to me. Kinda like you are to me.”
Taking a deep breath, he smoothed his thumbs over Jim’s cheeks and furrowed his brow as a darkened look of despair slid over his face. “Swear to God, Jim… I love you. It hurts sometimes how much you mean to me and I can’t do a damn thing about it. When I say I’m sorry, it’s not cause I am apologizin’ for lovin’ you… I’m apologizin’ for probably destroyin’ our friendship cause you probably don’t want to go that far or take it to that level. I’m hopin’ I didn’t go and say somethin’ that just ripped us apart cause god knows I can’t take it if you leave me behind cause I let that come out when I shouldn’t.” His gaze looked almost pleading as he let his hands slide down to rest against Jim’s neck. “Please… just tell me I didn’t fuck this up.”
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No. That’s the problem. He wasn’t thinking. He went and opened his damn mouth and didn’t check the words before they came spillin’ out like so much damn nonsense. The doctor felt horrified in ways he couldn’t even begin to explain… if he lost Jim…
The first sound of Jim saying ‘no’ so abruptly felt like a stab to the gut and he instantly pulled his hands away from him. It felt so mellow dramatic in some ways. They just hovered there a moment unsure what to do until he felt Jim’s hands on him. Even if Jim didn’t force him, he felt like he couldn’t go against that insistent push for him to finally look at Jim again. The marginally wide eyes of fear finally dared to look up into Jim’s face and Leonard had to clench his jaw as he searched for something, anything to say that might fix this in some way Jim wouldn’t push him away entirely.
Tell me you mean that.
Blinking a few times, the fear shifted to something more like shock. How could—did Jim really think he’d dare say anything like that to him and not mean it? He would apologize for saying it, sure, but hell would freeze over before he negated the truth behind those words. And the tone of his voice… damn it but it broke his heart.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes a moment and told himself, for better or worse, he needed to speak plainly and honestly. Cause god help him, he didn’t want to hurt Jim with lies or platitudes. He could never be that selfish. Especially not when he came to Jim. Which was why he reached out slowly once more, his fingertips barely grazing his cheeks before he cupped the blonde’s head in his hands. “You listen well and good, Jim… I would never go and say somethin’ like that to you and not mean it. It’s not just some phrase I throw around cause it’s easy or cause it’s the only thing to say. Those kinda words are sacred to me. Kinda like you are to me.”
Taking a deep breath, he smoothed his thumbs over Jim’s cheeks and furrowed his brow as a darkened look of despair slid over his face. “Swear to God, Jim… I love you. It hurts sometimes how much you mean to me and I can’t do a damn thing about it. When I say I’m sorry, it’s not cause I am apologizin’ for lovin’ you… I’m apologizin’ for probably destroyin’ our friendship cause you probably don’t want to go that far or take it to that level. I’m hopin’ I didn’t go and say somethin’ that just ripped us apart cause god knows I can’t take it if you leave me behind cause I let that come out when I shouldn’t.” His gaze looked almost pleading as he let his hands slide down to rest against Jim’s neck. “Please… just tell me I didn’t fuck this up.”