Jim knew that the answer wouldn’t be a pleasant one, and he wasn’t the least bit surprised by what Bones brought up either. He was right too, Jim knew those numbers better than anyone, having read all the files on the various incidents and writing some of them himself. It was also something he tried not to think about much, because he knew that it could become crippling to focus on that. He’d get lost if he let himself focus too much on it, and get buried underneath the weight of the guilt and responsibility.
But he did understand how Bones was feeling about that. All those lives lost, and the feeling that he could’ve done so much more— he should have done so much more. Sometimes it wasn’t so easy to hold those thoughts in, and sometimes they all caved underneath the weight. Jim would be lying if he said he hadn’t had his moments where he just crumbled. Alone, too, where no one could see him or walk in.
Much like Bones, actually. The fact that Jim witnessed it was nothing but a fluke.
He did look a little more surprised at the revelation that Bones sometimes woke up with a fear that he may not be alive. A heavy feeling settled at the pit of his stomach at just hearing that, and he sat there, frozen in his spot, until Bones had spilled out all the words he had to, until he had shared more than he’d meant to.
Something that Jim was more or less aware of.
A few seconds of silence passed, then Jim looked around, grabbing a chair from nearby so he could take a seat next to Bones. His hands were still shaking and Jim reached for them, cupping them in his own, fingers curling into his palms as he tried to get his attention somehow.
“Guess I’d have died, then,” Jim answered with a weak smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Just like I’d have died back when we crashed into Earth, or when I was dropped off on that ice rock in the middle of nowhere. You have saved my life, Bones, and in more ways than you could possibly know. Just like you have saved other people, too. But sometimes... the only way out is to punch your way through.”
He squeezed Bones’s hands in his, gaze dropping a little. “I’m sorry... I’ve made you do those things. I’ve put you in those situations. I just know I can trust you no matter what.”
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But he did understand how Bones was feeling about that. All those lives lost, and the feeling that he could’ve done so much more— he should have done so much more. Sometimes it wasn’t so easy to hold those thoughts in, and sometimes they all caved underneath the weight. Jim would be lying if he said he hadn’t had his moments where he just crumbled. Alone, too, where no one could see him or walk in.
Much like Bones, actually. The fact that Jim witnessed it was nothing but a fluke.
He did look a little more surprised at the revelation that Bones sometimes woke up with a fear that he may not be alive. A heavy feeling settled at the pit of his stomach at just hearing that, and he sat there, frozen in his spot, until Bones had spilled out all the words he had to, until he had shared more than he’d meant to.
Something that Jim was more or less aware of.
A few seconds of silence passed, then Jim looked around, grabbing a chair from nearby so he could take a seat next to Bones. His hands were still shaking and Jim reached for them, cupping them in his own, fingers curling into his palms as he tried to get his attention somehow.
“Guess I’d have died, then,” Jim answered with a weak smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Just like I’d have died back when we crashed into Earth, or when I was dropped off on that ice rock in the middle of nowhere. You have saved my life, Bones, and in more ways than you could possibly know. Just like you have saved other people, too. But sometimes... the only way out is to punch your way through.”
He squeezed Bones’s hands in his, gaze dropping a little. “I’m sorry... I’ve made you do those things. I’ve put you in those situations. I just know I can trust you no matter what.”