For a moment, he let the silence seep in. The tension in his shoulders made his hands shake worse instead of stop. He caught himself a few times in the last few days over washing his hands until he caught himself. By no means was he OCD, and he had enough in psychology to know he just needed to work out the mental problems behind it.
Leonard got so caught up in his mental maelestrom that he didn't hear the chair placed by his. He didn't notice anything until he felt Jim's hands on his. A gasp broke the silence and he almost pulled his hands away until he finally relaxed and let his hands move with the blonde's pull. His eyes moved to rest on that connection and hated himself just a little more. Jim didn't need this. Didn't need his insecurities and crap that shouldn't be Jim's to carry. "Like hell I'd do nothin' and let you die. Ever."
Setting his jaw, he closed his eyes at those words. The last thing he wanted to think about was Jim dying. Again. For a moment he still felt tempted to just let himself melt into Jim's touch and add a little more self loathing to his already mounting issues. "You didn't make me do anything."
He grumbled the words sharply as he moved finally pulled his hands away and stood up slowly. Moving away from the desk, he decided he just... needed to move. "I did it cause I knew I had to. Cause I can't let your reckless ass die. Cause I'm a doctor and a Starfleet officer and I better suck it up and get it done." Rubbing at his face slowly, he found he stopped moving. And maybe it hurt a little to hear Jim say things like that... The hell did he get off thinking it was just cause he felt obligated to do what Jim asked.
Turning slowly, he finally looked at Jim, his brow furrowed sharply. "Doin' things for you comes like a second nature. I don't do 'em cause your my captain. I do 'em cause you're so goddamn important to me that I can't not do 'em." Both hands rose to push into his hair. "And what gets me the most..." The real reason this hurt so much... "Is knowin' I'm just so damn insignificant no matter how damn hard I try."
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Leonard got so caught up in his mental maelestrom that he didn't hear the chair placed by his. He didn't notice anything until he felt Jim's hands on his. A gasp broke the silence and he almost pulled his hands away until he finally relaxed and let his hands move with the blonde's pull. His eyes moved to rest on that connection and hated himself just a little more. Jim didn't need this. Didn't need his insecurities and crap that shouldn't be Jim's to carry. "Like hell I'd do nothin' and let you die. Ever."
Setting his jaw, he closed his eyes at those words. The last thing he wanted to think about was Jim dying. Again. For a moment he still felt tempted to just let himself melt into Jim's touch and add a little more self loathing to his already mounting issues. "You didn't make me do anything."
He grumbled the words sharply as he moved finally pulled his hands away and stood up slowly. Moving away from the desk, he decided he just... needed to move. "I did it cause I knew I had to. Cause I can't let your reckless ass die. Cause I'm a doctor and a Starfleet officer and I better suck it up and get it done." Rubbing at his face slowly, he found he stopped moving. And maybe it hurt a little to hear Jim say things like that... The hell did he get off thinking it was just cause he felt obligated to do what Jim asked.
Turning slowly, he finally looked at Jim, his brow furrowed sharply. "Doin' things for you comes like a second nature. I don't do 'em cause your my captain. I do 'em cause you're so goddamn important to me that I can't not do 'em." Both hands rose to push into his hair. "And what gets me the most..." The real reason this hurt so much... "Is knowin' I'm just so damn insignificant no matter how damn hard I try."