legendary_hands | The breaking point... (for winscenario)

The breaking point... (for winscenario)

Eventually the noise and the rush died down. All the people from the crew were out of medical and he didn’t have the nurses following him around insisting to fix his own problems that just weren’t necessary to fix. Others had bigger problems like Spock or Jim and his unquenchable desire to be the galaxy’s damn punching bag. But all that had to end sometime and the adrenaline crash had to finally take hold.

At least he made it till after the birthday party he managed to somehow get together in between patients and not sleeping.

Sleeping was a luxury he didn’t have. Even with time, sleep just didn’t happen or all he could see when he closed his eyes were the bodies floating in space or the shriveled forms of people he couldn’t save. Or that awful feeling of flying and falling and crashing every time he laid down. It wore him down to the bone and he almost wanted to laugh. Because without that adrenaline to keep him pushing forward, it felt a little like losing everything. The strength in his legs, the ability to stand up straight and just the all-around ability to function. Most importantly, the ability to not think about how goddamn much it hurt like a knife in his gut when stupid shit came back to the forefront of his mind.

The admiral insisted he take leave. The ‘traumatic’ experience – damn right it was traumatic – takes times to get past and ease back into the work. Thing was, without that adrenaline and push forward, all that left him with for company was himself. Himself and his own damn brain to bring up things best left buried. Not even the bottle of whiskey he dug up was doin’ any good makin’ him think less. It just left him in silence in his assigned quarters to mull over what bothered him over and over again.

His fingers ran over the side of the bottle slowly, he honestly didn’t drink more than a third of it yet. He shouldn’t have drank any of it. Leonard promised himself after the divorce and losing JoAnna this wouldn’t happen again. But that was before he had to deal with this… thing. This ridiculous malarkey of emotions all balled up in a fine mess in his chest. His fingers tightened sharply around the neck of the bottle.

It’s not his fault.

Could ya really blame someone for something like this? For not realizing how much it stung like salt in an open wound to always be over looked? To watch Spock get the thanks and he got nothing. Not to say he hated the snark and joking he and Jim had between them. He enjoyed it… but this time? This time it cut deep. The things he had to do, the fears he had to overcome, all on top of his still raw feelings about Jim up and dyin’ on him not that long ago.

For years he told himself it was fine. That’s how Jim was. He didn’t really thank him for things, and quite honestly, at the Academy it didn’t bother him. Then there was Spock. And where the Vulcan was growin’ on him like a fungus, it ate at him little by little each time Jim poured on the gratitude and praise to the guy and never looked twice at him. And maybe it was – no it really was – his own damn fault for being in love with his best friend, but it just cut deeper each time it happened.

The doctor hated flying. Hated it with a passion. But he did it cause Jim asked him to. Sure he yelled and screamed, but he did it. Maybe that was his fault as well. If he didn’t argue, then Jim would get the picture. But he was just lyin’ to himself. Cause he didn’t yell or complain when Jim died. He cried his way through it in the silence and told himself he would break his oath and play god just this time. Just once more. He took life away once, maybe it balanced out his sins if he could get it back just once.

But Spock got the credit there, too. It wasn’t shared credit, it was all the credit.

God help him, but it just wasn’t right. It burned in his throat far harsher than the whiskey and felt like it burned all the way to his chest and head with a sort of anger. Anger built on confusion, frustration, and self-reproach for even feelin’ this way to begin with.

It’s my job to be a doctor. To save lives. I don’t need recognition.

But it wasn’t recognition that he wanted. He could care less about anyone else on the ship realizing just what he did. What things he broke or overcame for one person. One person that seemed oblivious as hell about what he felt. Just one person…

Something just broke. A long thin thread unraveled and finally snapped as his arm flung out over the table top and sent the bottle of amber liquid flying across the small room and slammed with a crash into the metallic wall. The sound was shrill as a wet slosh along with the muffled sound of shards of glass rolled across the floor filled the room. His data PADD – that had laid off to the side – slid off in the motion, hitting against the floor with a clatter of too loud to not have broken something. And in the silence that followed, hazel eyes fixed on the fluid trailing across the floor, curling around the broken glass pieces and off into open space. How damn poetic.

The spark of anger that came with that thought had him picking up the tumbler next in what he damn well knew was a tantrum and threw it at the door this time. Cause tantrum or not, it felt good to just… let it out for once.

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To be fair, Jim had never been the romantic sort, not with anyone. He wouldn't have expected to be even with the right person, but Bones just... awoke something in him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it or explain it, but it did feel great so he wasn't about to question it.

"Good. Life's pretty great when you don't keep your feet on the ground all the time," literally and figuratively both. Jim pressed his smile against Bones's with that kiss, closing his eyes as his arm wrapped around his neck, shifting closer and settling his body right against the doctor's.

Pulling back, he kissed across Bones's cheek, pressing his lips to the wrinkles at the corner of his eye. "Love it when you smile."

Sliding his hand slowly along Jim's bicep as his arms curled around his neck. A brow rose lightly as the smile warmed even the look in his eyes. "You're usually right... but I likely shouldn't get carried away." Leaning in, he kissed him again sweetly, daring to nip at his lower lip.

His other hand slipped down the line of Jim's spine to rest against his lower back and pull him closer. He might've been content to just stay pressed close like this, but then that trail of kisses caused his breath to hitch. Jim truly was makin' a fine mess of him. Then those words made something melt deep in his chest. His exhale shivered out of him as he pulled the man closer.

Somewhere over the years he realized that Jim was one of a very select few that could get him to smile. Other people got smiles tacked on to sarcasm and dry normally insulting humor. And where Jim got those too, the real ones that were so damn rare were reserved for Jim and his daughter. Moving his hand from Jim's arm to cup his face, he just smiled, a flare of red spilling over his skin. "Only for you, you know that? As long as you don't mind sharin' with my little girl."

Jim shifted closer willingly, for a moment burying his face in the curve of Bones's neck and hugging him tight, pulling away again just in time to see that red coloring his cheeks. He looked damn attractive when he was blushing, Jim couldn't help note, and he couldn't help a warm smile either, tainted with both fondness and amusement.

"Actually, that's the one person I don't mind one bit sharing you with." Jim liked Jo, though he hadn't talked to her much so far. But she was bright and sweet, and thanks to what Bones had shared about her, in some ways he felt like he knew her a whole lot better too. He just hoped that they'd get more chances to get to know each other from now on. At least there was more reason for them to.

Patting Bones on his side, he urged him to shift on the bed. "Alright, let's get under the covers. We should get some sleep."

"Good to know." He knew Jim supported his efforts to stay in contact with Jo. Sometimes his ex made it harder than hell just to talk to her. But he kept pushing as delicately as he could so as not to destroy the balance and get locked out completely. For the most part, he got at least weekly communication with his daughter and he made an effort to write her as often as he could. At least that way she knew who he was. And he was just damn thankful that she wrote him back.

Honestly, he knew he'd never have survived any of this if Jim hadn't been such a huge part of his life. Granted he'd often wanted more, but Jim's friendship had been a cornerstone to his life. The main reason he couldn't risk it for so long, came back to that fact.

Slipping his fingertips over Jim's cheek, he huffed a soft sound and finally untangled himself from Jim so they could move the covers over them. Sliding back on the bed turned on his side, he caught Jim by the hip and pulled softly. "What made you decide to come lookin' for me tonight? Just curious. Know you've been busy with all those reports and gettin' the new Enterprise up and runnin'." In fact, he wouldn't have been surprised if Jim started to eat and sleep work in the wake of everything that happened until he got the crew back on track and empty slots filled.

Not that he was complainin'. The fact Jim fit him in meant the world to him.

Jim snuggled in under the blankets, shifting closer as Bones tugged at his hip. Slipping one arm underneath Bones's head, his other hand slid up his back to cradle his neck, fingers sifting slowly through the short strands of hair.

"I just..." he started, trailing off for a moment until finally he shrugged and sighed. "I missed you, is all. Wanted to see how you were doing."

He hadn't been planning for anything like this, not even remotely. But as much as it hurt being close to Bones when he though something like this was well beyond his reach, he was still Jim's best friend and the one person he felt like he could really talk to about anything. He'd just been searching for that, then. That comfort, that safe spot that Bones somehow always was to him.

Yes, even when he was griping about death and darkness and the endless void of space.

His head moved into those touches, his lashes lowered but didn't close completely. These were things he didn't want to miss. He didn't want to forget a single touch from this man that meant the universe to him.

"I missed you, too." The answering words were simple and heartfelt. He missed the man more than anything when he was gone and Yorktown was vast and spread far apart in ways that made Jim feel like he was on the other side of a planet instead of one transporter away. One hand rose to slip along Jim's arm starting from his forearm to softly trace the softer skin on the inside of his elbow. "Really thought I might drown tonight... but you pulled me out."

The words came out softer as he moved his hand from Jim's arm to lightly touch his chin and sweep along his jaw. In all honesty, Leonard wasn't sure how he would have broke surface this time. He was sure he would manage, but he wouldn't have the peace of mind he had right now. Not without Jim. His hand lowered to press against the blonde's chest over his heart quietly. Just feeling that beat under his palm.

Lifting his eyes back to Jim's, he gave him a small but sweet smile. "Guess now you're stuck with me."

Jim's lips curved into a smile, pressed against the hairline over Bones's forehead, his nose brushing through short strands. "Don't mention it. I've got you, Bones." He just tried not to think of all the times that Bones broke down completely and Jim was nowhere near to help him pick up the pieces, even if he might've not been able to put them back together. The mere thought of him falling apart, whether because of him or not, was almost more than he could bear.

So he curled his arms a little tighter around Bones instead, holding him tight and close, loosening his hold just enough that Bones could look up at him, and he returned that smile with one of his own.

"I've always been stuck with you, Bones," he said softly, brushing his thumb along his cheek and jaw, leaning down to lightly bump their noses together. "Just like you've always been stuck with me. Although I'll admit, it's much nicer when I get to kiss you whenever I feel like it."

Lashes lowered at that touch, leaving only a sliver of hazel irises still visible through dark lashes. A wake of soft tingling bloomed under Jim's fingers and he had to exhale through parted lips to keep from shivering from head to foot. When their noses bumped, it elicited a soft breath that may or may not have been the sigh of Jim's name.

A smile pulled at the corner of his lips as he finally shifted to wrap his arms about Jim's waist and settle deeper into his arms. "Yeah... that's a damn good perk." His voice came out low, but rich with emotion as he finally let his eyes close. He started to say 'be mindful of where' but decided he'd deal with that if it came up. Cause he sure as hell didn't want to tell Jim not to kiss him. Cause god... he wanted to kiss Jim as much as possible for the rest of his life if he had his way.

Ducking his head in, he pressed his face into Jim's neck and breathed in. Everything about the man was warm and intoxicating... and he felt so damn tired. It really shouldn't surprise him that sleep started to pull at the edges of his mind so easily now that he had Jim this close. Fighting off the lull of peaceful sleep really was futile.

Jim hummed low in his throat, smiling warmly as Bones's face buried into the curve of his neck. Arms close and present around Bones, he kept sifting his fingers through his hair in slow, long strokes, falling silent as he felt Bones relax against him, and not interrupting him when he could feel he was slowly falling asleep.

They could talk later. They could do plenty later, actually, but right now Bones needed some rest. And he must've been exhausted if he was surrendering to his tiredness this easily. Jim may not always be the quietest company either, but he hoped that right now he could be a soothing one, as he kept brushing his fingers through Bones's hair and down his neck in gentle strokes.

"Sleep well, Bones," he whispered softly against the top of his head, tipping his own to the side and closing his eyes eventually. He knew he wouldn't fall asleep quite as easily himself, but he was more than happy to just cuddle close to Bones in the meantime. It was more than he thought he could ever have.

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The breaking point... (for winscenario)

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