legendary_hands: (Irritated resignation)
Dr. Leonard "Bones" Horatio McCoy ([personal profile] legendary_hands) wrote2016-12-13 10:49 am

The breaking point... (for [personal profile] winscenario)

Eventually the noise and the rush died down. All the people from the crew were out of medical and he didn’t have the nurses following him around insisting to fix his own problems that just weren’t necessary to fix. Others had bigger problems like Spock or Jim and his unquenchable desire to be the galaxy’s damn punching bag. But all that had to end sometime and the adrenaline crash had to finally take hold.

At least he made it till after the birthday party he managed to somehow get together in between patients and not sleeping.

Sleeping was a luxury he didn’t have. Even with time, sleep just didn’t happen or all he could see when he closed his eyes were the bodies floating in space or the shriveled forms of people he couldn’t save. Or that awful feeling of flying and falling and crashing every time he laid down. It wore him down to the bone and he almost wanted to laugh. Because without that adrenaline to keep him pushing forward, it felt a little like losing everything. The strength in his legs, the ability to stand up straight and just the all-around ability to function. Most importantly, the ability to not think about how goddamn much it hurt like a knife in his gut when stupid shit came back to the forefront of his mind.

The admiral insisted he take leave. The ‘traumatic’ experience – damn right it was traumatic – takes times to get past and ease back into the work. Thing was, without that adrenaline and push forward, all that left him with for company was himself. Himself and his own damn brain to bring up things best left buried. Not even the bottle of whiskey he dug up was doin’ any good makin’ him think less. It just left him in silence in his assigned quarters to mull over what bothered him over and over again.

His fingers ran over the side of the bottle slowly, he honestly didn’t drink more than a third of it yet. He shouldn’t have drank any of it. Leonard promised himself after the divorce and losing JoAnna this wouldn’t happen again. But that was before he had to deal with this… thing. This ridiculous malarkey of emotions all balled up in a fine mess in his chest. His fingers tightened sharply around the neck of the bottle.

It’s not his fault.

Could ya really blame someone for something like this? For not realizing how much it stung like salt in an open wound to always be over looked? To watch Spock get the thanks and he got nothing. Not to say he hated the snark and joking he and Jim had between them. He enjoyed it… but this time? This time it cut deep. The things he had to do, the fears he had to overcome, all on top of his still raw feelings about Jim up and dyin’ on him not that long ago.

For years he told himself it was fine. That’s how Jim was. He didn’t really thank him for things, and quite honestly, at the Academy it didn’t bother him. Then there was Spock. And where the Vulcan was growin’ on him like a fungus, it ate at him little by little each time Jim poured on the gratitude and praise to the guy and never looked twice at him. And maybe it was – no it really was – his own damn fault for being in love with his best friend, but it just cut deeper each time it happened.

The doctor hated flying. Hated it with a passion. But he did it cause Jim asked him to. Sure he yelled and screamed, but he did it. Maybe that was his fault as well. If he didn’t argue, then Jim would get the picture. But he was just lyin’ to himself. Cause he didn’t yell or complain when Jim died. He cried his way through it in the silence and told himself he would break his oath and play god just this time. Just once more. He took life away once, maybe it balanced out his sins if he could get it back just once.

But Spock got the credit there, too. It wasn’t shared credit, it was all the credit.

God help him, but it just wasn’t right. It burned in his throat far harsher than the whiskey and felt like it burned all the way to his chest and head with a sort of anger. Anger built on confusion, frustration, and self-reproach for even feelin’ this way to begin with.

It’s my job to be a doctor. To save lives. I don’t need recognition.

But it wasn’t recognition that he wanted. He could care less about anyone else on the ship realizing just what he did. What things he broke or overcame for one person. One person that seemed oblivious as hell about what he felt. Just one person…

Something just broke. A long thin thread unraveled and finally snapped as his arm flung out over the table top and sent the bottle of amber liquid flying across the small room and slammed with a crash into the metallic wall. The sound was shrill as a wet slosh along with the muffled sound of shards of glass rolled across the floor filled the room. His data PADD – that had laid off to the side – slid off in the motion, hitting against the floor with a clatter of too loud to not have broken something. And in the silence that followed, hazel eyes fixed on the fluid trailing across the floor, curling around the broken glass pieces and off into open space. How damn poetic.

The spark of anger that came with that thought had him picking up the tumbler next in what he damn well knew was a tantrum and threw it at the door this time. Cause tantrum or not, it felt good to just… let it out for once.
winscenario: (hundred sixty one.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-20 04:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Jim certainly did not plan on letting Bones clean up on his own. Frankly his whole plan was to get someone else to come clean up the room, but he also could understand why Bones wouldn't want anyone else to see the state he'd left it in. So instead he rolled up his sleeves and got to work, helping pick up broken pieces of glass before he used the replicator again for cloths and mops, along with whatever products they could use to wipe up the whiskey stains.

He did it all in complete silence, not asking if Bones was alright, not asking if he needed help but simply offering it. By the time they were done, the only proof of what had happened was the fractured PADD resting on the desk, and that definitely wouldn't raise as many eyebrows as the whiskey and the broken glass would have.

They were going to need to change out of their clothes, but that could wait. Right now Jim really wanted to get Bones out of here, so he reached a hand out for him to take. "Ready to go now?"
winscenario: (hundred two.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-21 01:31 am (UTC)(link)
Luckily for Bones, Jim wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon. His smile was surer when Bones took his hand, perfectly comfortable and not the least bit worried about being seen walking down the hallways hand in hand. People could think whatever they liked, for all he cared. He wasn't going to let go of Bones's hand for anything at this point.

The corridor was empty as they stepped outside, though, and Jim took the opportunity to step close and plant a quick peck to Bones's cheek, pulling away again. He debated for a moment, then finally made up his mind and shifted his hand so he could thread their fingers together, watching Bones for any signs that he wasn't comfortable with that.

"Your room or mine?"
winscenario: (seventy two.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-21 12:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Jim's smile was surer when Bones pulled away from his own kiss, his fingers curling a little tighter. It wasn't a long way from the office to his quarters, and they were in the middle of the night cycle, so there was always a chance they wouldn't cross paths with anyone, but he honestly didn't care even if they did. Not like he wanted to keep this a secret, not unless Bones wanted to.

So, tugging softly, he started down the corridor, leading the way to the nearest turbolift so they could take the quickest route to the deck his quarters were in. Bones still looked like crap but at least he wasn't about to fall apart anymore. The rest... well, nothing a hot shower and cuddling together couldn't fix. Or at least help with.
winscenario: (sixty)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-22 02:00 am (UTC)(link)
Jim let his own head tip a little towards Bones's, closing his eyes and smiling while his thumb brushed across soft skin in soothing circles. He was just happy he could be this close right now. Happy he didn't have to think twice before reaching for Bones's hand, that he knew he could hug or kiss him and that it wouldn't be met with confusion or even rejection. It was more freeing than he could put to words.

His smile softened at the kiss, his hand moving so his knuckles brushed across Bones's lips. "Anytime, Bones." Letting their linked hands drop back down, he tugged Bones along and guided him down the corridor, leading the way to his quarters.
winscenario: (hundred seventy.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-22 12:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Then they both had the same issue, because Jim had often struggled with his tendency to let his eyes drift to his best friend in a distinctly not-best-friendly way. Luckily, Bones's hands were as distracting as his lips or his ass, so half the times Jim didn't exactly have to worry about people noticing how he was watching Bones work so intently. Whether or not he was thinking about how it would feel to have those hands on him was something safely kept in his head, so everyone else was none the wiser.

Jim let out a faint sound of surprise when Bones stepped closer, smiling and chuckling right after, then wiggling and turning around so he could wrap his own arms around Bones's shoulders too. The doctor's head fit perfectly against the curve of his neck, and he kissed his temple, lips lingering there as the fingers of one hand sifted through his hair, starting at the nape.

"I love you, Bones," he said. He'd said it before, true, but it bore repeating. And it looked like Bones might need hearing it again, so. "I'm sorry I've made such a mess of you."
winscenario: (two hundred fourteen.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-23 11:27 am (UTC)(link)
Jim let out a chuckle of his own at Bones's words, serious or not. Well, he wasn't wrong. Truth was Bones could complain his way through it all but he still went along with any crazy idea Jim had, pushing through his fear and apprehension every single time. And Jim, for one, was incredibly grateful for that, for knowing that Bones would be by his side no matter what.

Something that he was sure of before, and was even surer now. He smiled warmly at the hand resting on his chest, one of his own moving to settle over it, thumb brushing across Bones's knuckles.

"You should go shower. I'll set up the bed all nice and warm for us. How do you feel about a cup of hot chocolate?"
winscenario: (hundred seventy nine.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-24 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
Jim pursed his lips and shrugged at Bones's observation. "Well, wasn't what I was aiming for, but I can't say I mind the end result." He was teasing, of course. And while he didn't have any of Bones's clothes, he did have some of his own that he could just lend him, As a last resort, they could make use of the replicator, but Jim didn't think they'd need to, so.

Leaning in for a quick parting peck, he let his hands slide down Bones's sides, pulling away too. "Alright. I'll see what I can do. Now go." Urging Bones towards the bathroom, he waited until he was there to get the bed ready for them. By the time Bones stepped out, he'd find a pair of boxers, sweatpants and t-shirt draped across the back of a chair near the bathroom door, while farther away, Jim was sitting on one side of the bed, dressed in his own sweats and shirt, a cup of hot chocolate in his hands while Bones's was waiting for him on the nightstand.
winscenario: (hundred two.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-24 05:01 pm (UTC)(link)
At the sound of the door opening, Jim's eyes drifted from the book he was lazily reading to Bones, his gaze lingering just a little. Not that he was looking at him in a particularly suggestive way, but he figured that he could look all he liked now, so that was exactly what he did.

His smile stretched against the rim of his mug as Bones disappeared back into the bathroom, and he took a slow sip as he leaned back, reading a few more lines before he closed the book and set it down on the nightstand, waiting until Bones came out of the bathroom and joined him on the bed.

"No, I'm good," he turned a little on his side, so he could place a lingering kiss to Bones's shoulder. "I'll just shower in the morning. Looks like it did you good, though."
winscenario: (hundred sixty one.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-24 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Jim was just relieved he didn't have to keep his interest a secret anymore. Not just that, but that showing how he felt was encouraged, thus the staring. He did want Bones to know he was interested, and that he loved him just as much as he was attracted to him. Even if nothing came of it tonight— but Jim didn't mind that at all. They weren't in a rush, and for once it felt good to take his time.

"Good," he smiled, nuzzling against his shoulder briefly before Bones was moving away from him, lying on his back. Frankly, he'd never been overly inclined for romantic gestures, and more often than not when he saw other people sharing such gestures he always thought it was all a little silly. But now? God, he wanted that with Bones. To hold his hand, kiss his cheek, brush his thumb across his jaw, or even something as simple as press their shoulders together when they stood close to each other.

Still sitting, he turned on the bed and settled his free hand on Bones's chest, then let it slide down and curl into Bones's own. He sipped just a little more of his hot chocolate before setting it aside, then shifted around until he was lying on his side, right next to Bones. "This... was not how I thought my day would go."
winscenario: (sixty)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-26 01:33 pm (UTC)(link)
Their laced hands settled on Bones's stomach afterwards, as Jim was sure they were both just as unwilling to let go just yet. He chuckled at the question, nose brushing against Bones's shoulder, cheek pressed warmly against it.

"Are you kidding? It's better, obviously. So much better." He hadn't been having a bad day by any means, but it had been pretty uneventful up until the point he'd stepped into Bones's office. And while watching him fall apart hadn't been his preferred form of excitement, he definitely loved what they managed to get from it.

Stretching his neck as much as he could, he leaned in and planted a kiss to the corner of Bones's lips, lingering and then smiling as he pulled away again. "You make me happy." And he didn't even need to do anything else. Just lying here, holding hands, talking to each other, smiling and stealing soft kiss, that already was more than Jim could've ever hoped for.
winscenario: (hundred seventy one.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-27 12:26 am (UTC)(link)
To be fair, Jim had never been the romantic sort, not with anyone. He wouldn't have expected to be even with the right person, but Bones just... awoke something in him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it or explain it, but it did feel great so he wasn't about to question it.

"Good. Life's pretty great when you don't keep your feet on the ground all the time," literally and figuratively both. Jim pressed his smile against Bones's with that kiss, closing his eyes as his arm wrapped around his neck, shifting closer and settling his body right against the doctor's.

Pulling back, he kissed across Bones's cheek, pressing his lips to the wrinkles at the corner of his eye. "Love it when you smile."
winscenario: (hundred sixty nine.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-27 05:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Jim shifted closer willingly, for a moment burying his face in the curve of Bones's neck and hugging him tight, pulling away again just in time to see that red coloring his cheeks. He looked damn attractive when he was blushing, Jim couldn't help note, and he couldn't help a warm smile either, tainted with both fondness and amusement.

"Actually, that's the one person I don't mind one bit sharing you with." Jim liked Jo, though he hadn't talked to her much so far. But she was bright and sweet, and thanks to what Bones had shared about her, in some ways he felt like he knew her a whole lot better too. He just hoped that they'd get more chances to get to know each other from now on. At least there was more reason for them to.

Patting Bones on his side, he urged him to shift on the bed. "Alright, let's get under the covers. We should get some sleep."
winscenario: (hundred seventy one.)

[personal profile] winscenario 2016-12-30 09:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Jim snuggled in under the blankets, shifting closer as Bones tugged at his hip. Slipping one arm underneath Bones's head, his other hand slid up his back to cradle his neck, fingers sifting slowly through the short strands of hair.

"I just..." he started, trailing off for a moment until finally he shrugged and sighed. "I missed you, is all. Wanted to see how you were doing."

He hadn't been planning for anything like this, not even remotely. But as much as it hurt being close to Bones when he though something like this was well beyond his reach, he was still Jim's best friend and the one person he felt like he could really talk to about anything. He'd just been searching for that, then. That comfort, that safe spot that Bones somehow always was to him.

Yes, even when he was griping about death and darkness and the endless void of space.

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