legendary_hands | The breaking point... (for winscenario)

The breaking point... (for winscenario)

Eventually the noise and the rush died down. All the people from the crew were out of medical and he didn’t have the nurses following him around insisting to fix his own problems that just weren’t necessary to fix. Others had bigger problems like Spock or Jim and his unquenchable desire to be the galaxy’s damn punching bag. But all that had to end sometime and the adrenaline crash had to finally take hold.

At least he made it till after the birthday party he managed to somehow get together in between patients and not sleeping.

Sleeping was a luxury he didn’t have. Even with time, sleep just didn’t happen or all he could see when he closed his eyes were the bodies floating in space or the shriveled forms of people he couldn’t save. Or that awful feeling of flying and falling and crashing every time he laid down. It wore him down to the bone and he almost wanted to laugh. Because without that adrenaline to keep him pushing forward, it felt a little like losing everything. The strength in his legs, the ability to stand up straight and just the all-around ability to function. Most importantly, the ability to not think about how goddamn much it hurt like a knife in his gut when stupid shit came back to the forefront of his mind.

The admiral insisted he take leave. The ‘traumatic’ experience – damn right it was traumatic – takes times to get past and ease back into the work. Thing was, without that adrenaline and push forward, all that left him with for company was himself. Himself and his own damn brain to bring up things best left buried. Not even the bottle of whiskey he dug up was doin’ any good makin’ him think less. It just left him in silence in his assigned quarters to mull over what bothered him over and over again.

His fingers ran over the side of the bottle slowly, he honestly didn’t drink more than a third of it yet. He shouldn’t have drank any of it. Leonard promised himself after the divorce and losing JoAnna this wouldn’t happen again. But that was before he had to deal with this… thing. This ridiculous malarkey of emotions all balled up in a fine mess in his chest. His fingers tightened sharply around the neck of the bottle.

It’s not his fault.

Could ya really blame someone for something like this? For not realizing how much it stung like salt in an open wound to always be over looked? To watch Spock get the thanks and he got nothing. Not to say he hated the snark and joking he and Jim had between them. He enjoyed it… but this time? This time it cut deep. The things he had to do, the fears he had to overcome, all on top of his still raw feelings about Jim up and dyin’ on him not that long ago.

For years he told himself it was fine. That’s how Jim was. He didn’t really thank him for things, and quite honestly, at the Academy it didn’t bother him. Then there was Spock. And where the Vulcan was growin’ on him like a fungus, it ate at him little by little each time Jim poured on the gratitude and praise to the guy and never looked twice at him. And maybe it was – no it really was – his own damn fault for being in love with his best friend, but it just cut deeper each time it happened.

The doctor hated flying. Hated it with a passion. But he did it cause Jim asked him to. Sure he yelled and screamed, but he did it. Maybe that was his fault as well. If he didn’t argue, then Jim would get the picture. But he was just lyin’ to himself. Cause he didn’t yell or complain when Jim died. He cried his way through it in the silence and told himself he would break his oath and play god just this time. Just once more. He took life away once, maybe it balanced out his sins if he could get it back just once.

But Spock got the credit there, too. It wasn’t shared credit, it was all the credit.

God help him, but it just wasn’t right. It burned in his throat far harsher than the whiskey and felt like it burned all the way to his chest and head with a sort of anger. Anger built on confusion, frustration, and self-reproach for even feelin’ this way to begin with.

It’s my job to be a doctor. To save lives. I don’t need recognition.

But it wasn’t recognition that he wanted. He could care less about anyone else on the ship realizing just what he did. What things he broke or overcame for one person. One person that seemed oblivious as hell about what he felt. Just one person…

Something just broke. A long thin thread unraveled and finally snapped as his arm flung out over the table top and sent the bottle of amber liquid flying across the small room and slammed with a crash into the metallic wall. The sound was shrill as a wet slosh along with the muffled sound of shards of glass rolled across the floor filled the room. His data PADD – that had laid off to the side – slid off in the motion, hitting against the floor with a clatter of too loud to not have broken something. And in the silence that followed, hazel eyes fixed on the fluid trailing across the floor, curling around the broken glass pieces and off into open space. How damn poetic.

The spark of anger that came with that thought had him picking up the tumbler next in what he damn well knew was a tantrum and threw it at the door this time. Cause tantrum or not, it felt good to just… let it out for once.

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Jim certainly did not plan on letting Bones clean up on his own. Frankly his whole plan was to get someone else to come clean up the room, but he also could understand why Bones wouldn't want anyone else to see the state he'd left it in. So instead he rolled up his sleeves and got to work, helping pick up broken pieces of glass before he used the replicator again for cloths and mops, along with whatever products they could use to wipe up the whiskey stains.

He did it all in complete silence, not asking if Bones was alright, not asking if he needed help but simply offering it. By the time they were done, the only proof of what had happened was the fractured PADD resting on the desk, and that definitely wouldn't raise as many eyebrows as the whiskey and the broken glass would have.

They were going to need to change out of their clothes, but that could wait. Right now Jim really wanted to get Bones out of here, so he reached a hand out for him to take. "Ready to go now?"

He felt a deep seated sense of gratefulness that Jim didn't say anything. Leonard kept his mind on solid ground by not thinking too deeply on anything. He didn't want to feel or think about anything but getting the task done. So when they finally finished up, he felt a little dizzy when he turned to find Jim's hand offered to him. Breathing in slowly, he stared at Jim's hand before closing his eyes and sliding his own in it.

He needed the contact. Needed the support more than he wanted to admit it and felt damn guilty for feeding off of it from Jim. But at the same time, he tried not to think about if anyone was outside that door that might see him clinging to Jim's hand like a child or worse, a lovesick teenager. Cause god knew he'd be starin' at the man like he was everything in the universe to him. Like he already was now.

Leonard hadn't even realized how intently he was starin' at Jim until he had to take a breath from holding it too long. Ducking his head, he finally nodded and squeezed his hand softly. "Yeah. Let's go." After a moment's thought, he pulled Jim gently toward the door so he didn't have to do everything and finally took a deep breath before opening it and pulling them both through. He needed to prove it to himself that he could, and he didn't want Jim thinking he was pushing him.

But he did tighten his grip on his hand because he needed him. Needed him to be there so he didn't suddenly step back and disappear into the darkness of his office.

Luckily for Bones, Jim wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon. His smile was surer when Bones took his hand, perfectly comfortable and not the least bit worried about being seen walking down the hallways hand in hand. People could think whatever they liked, for all he cared. He wasn't going to let go of Bones's hand for anything at this point.

The corridor was empty as they stepped outside, though, and Jim took the opportunity to step close and plant a quick peck to Bones's cheek, pulling away again. He debated for a moment, then finally made up his mind and shifted his hand so he could thread their fingers together, watching Bones for any signs that he wasn't comfortable with that.

"Your room or mine?"

The moment he felt Jim's lips on his cheek, he breathed in sharply in surprise. A flush of heat ran into his cheeks that left a wash of color over them that slid into his ears to color the tips just so. Closing his eyes, he took a slow breath before looking at Jim and offering him a small smile of gratitude and love that flickered warmly in his gaze.

Leaning in, he nearly mirrored the kiss, but this one was placed to Jim's temple and he lingered close just leaning his forehead against the side of the blonde's head. He huffed a small laugh as he felt Jim's hand shift and a thrill ran up his spine as he felt their fingers lace together. Catching Jim's gaze, he gave him that faint warm smile before lifting a shoulder at the question.

"Whichever is closer, I guess. Doesn't matter. Home's where you are, anyway."

Jim's smile was surer when Bones pulled away from his own kiss, his fingers curling a little tighter. It wasn't a long way from the office to his quarters, and they were in the middle of the night cycle, so there was always a chance they wouldn't cross paths with anyone, but he honestly didn't care even if they did. Not like he wanted to keep this a secret, not unless Bones wanted to.

So, tugging softly, he started down the corridor, leading the way to the nearest turbolift so they could take the quickest route to the deck his quarters were in. Bones still looked like crap but at least he wasn't about to fall apart anymore. The rest... well, nothing a hot shower and cuddling together couldn't fix. Or at least help with.

When they stepped onto the turbolift, he moved on a whim as he leaned into Jim. He felt utterly exhausted. Like someone put a pin hole in a balloon and slowly let it deflate till there was nothing left. Closing his eyes, he let his head sway and lightly rest against Jim's. If he were honest with himself, he wanted more than just that slight contact. He just want the curl up into the blonde and disappear for a while. Just till he felt energetic enough to sort through his emotions and get things back in order. Maintainable order.

His eyes only opened when he felt the lift stop. A quick glance at the floor and area let him know that they were moving toward Jim's quarters. Not like he'd never made himself at home there before. And vice versa. That wasn't anything new. But there was a warm feeling in his chest knowing it wasn't like before as well. This was new and comfortable like he didn't think he'd ever have.

Moving off the lift, he pulled Jim's hand up still entwined with his own and kissed the back of it softly. "Thanks, Jim." How that man just knew what he needed and the silences in between. It meant the world to him right then.

Jim let his own head tip a little towards Bones's, closing his eyes and smiling while his thumb brushed across soft skin in soothing circles. He was just happy he could be this close right now. Happy he didn't have to think twice before reaching for Bones's hand, that he knew he could hug or kiss him and that it wouldn't be met with confusion or even rejection. It was more freeing than he could put to words.

His smile softened at the kiss, his hand moving so his knuckles brushed across Bones's lips. "Anytime, Bones." Letting their linked hands drop back down, he tugged Bones along and guided him down the corridor, leading the way to his quarters.

His lips nearly tingled from that soft almost touch. He didn't expect such a tiny touch to feel so amazing or have such an impact. Breathing in slowly, he let his eyes move to watch Jim walk slightly ahead of him. Leonard always liked watching Jim. Walking just slightly behind him and trying to carefully keep his eyes on his shoulders or the back of his head. Sometimes he didn't succeed and they drifted lower. He could remember a few of those times and almost getting caught too easily by Spock or someone else that might look at him at some point.

Now he felt like he could look. But at the same time, he found his gaze lingering on the dark gold hair and the collar of Jim's uniform. Little details he knew he looked at before, but his mind was a bit awed now. He could reach out and touch him. Be content to be close and actually have him. It brought a whole new feeling to his chest that was tight and fluttering all at once. And the moment they entered Jim's quarters, he let go of his hand and slid both hands up to grip Jim's shoulders, one arm circling around him as Leonard lowered his head down against the curve of his neck.

Then they both had the same issue, because Jim had often struggled with his tendency to let his eyes drift to his best friend in a distinctly not-best-friendly way. Luckily, Bones's hands were as distracting as his lips or his ass, so half the times Jim didn't exactly have to worry about people noticing how he was watching Bones work so intently. Whether or not he was thinking about how it would feel to have those hands on him was something safely kept in his head, so everyone else was none the wiser.

Jim let out a faint sound of surprise when Bones stepped closer, smiling and chuckling right after, then wiggling and turning around so he could wrap his own arms around Bones's shoulders too. The doctor's head fit perfectly against the curve of his neck, and he kissed his temple, lips lingering there as the fingers of one hand sifted through his hair, starting at the nape.

"I love you, Bones," he said. He'd said it before, true, but it bore repeating. And it looked like Bones might need hearing it again, so. "I'm sorry I've made such a mess of you."

He ended up stifling a chuckle when Jim started to wiggle about. The other man seemed to vibrate with kinetic energy on a normal day and having him squirm to get his arms around himself? Well, it was cute. There was no other word for it in his head. And honestly, it helped distract him for the reason why he just wanted to hold on to Jim. Multiple though they were.

Lowering one hand to rest on Jim's chest, he let the feeling of his heartbeat soothe out some of the tension in his shoulders. And what it didn't fix, Jim managed to melt away the rest with those words and the feeling of his lips against his temple. If anything, he just felt tired all the way down to the bones.

"I love you, too." He spoke the words softly, but not without all the feeling that lay behind it. And maybe he did huff a sound that may have been the beginnings of a laugh at the apology. "I'm not sorry for any moment I've had with you. Though some of that I am finding I might need to lump into a severe case of masochism cause you like to make me crazy on a good day."

Jim let out a chuckle of his own at Bones's words, serious or not. Well, he wasn't wrong. Truth was Bones could complain his way through it all but he still went along with any crazy idea Jim had, pushing through his fear and apprehension every single time. And Jim, for one, was incredibly grateful for that, for knowing that Bones would be by his side no matter what.

Something that he was sure of before, and was even surer now. He smiled warmly at the hand resting on his chest, one of his own moving to settle over it, thumb brushing across Bones's knuckles.

"You should go shower. I'll set up the bed all nice and warm for us. How do you feel about a cup of hot chocolate?"

Leonard's head tipped to watch Jim softly smooth his thumb over his knuckles. Leaning his forehead to the side of Jim's head, he let himself watch that connection of their hands silently for a moment. It sent a thrill down his spine, a soft hum of excitement that made him shiver happily. A sense of calm settled into him, bone deep and warmed the very core of his heart.

Lifting his head at the words, he pressed a soft kiss just next to Jim's ear and just lingered that close for a long moment. "You realize I don't have any clothes here." Things just hadn't settled in just right and transferring clothes like they used to just... hadn't happened yet and the doctor actually wondered if he should just move in again on Jim like that. Now he kind of regretted doing that.

"Unless that was your plan to get me out of my clothes." He had to tease him. A smile pulling at his lips. "Sure. Hot chocolate sounds fine." He started to pull back from Jim finally, his hand sweeping through his hair slowly. "So it's on you to figure out what I'm goin' to be wearin' when I get out."

Jim pursed his lips and shrugged at Bones's observation. "Well, wasn't what I was aiming for, but I can't say I mind the end result." He was teasing, of course. And while he didn't have any of Bones's clothes, he did have some of his own that he could just lend him, As a last resort, they could make use of the replicator, but Jim didn't think they'd need to, so.

Leaning in for a quick parting peck, he let his hands slide down Bones's sides, pulling away too. "Alright. I'll see what I can do. Now go." Urging Bones towards the bathroom, he waited until he was there to get the bed ready for them. By the time Bones stepped out, he'd find a pair of boxers, sweatpants and t-shirt draped across the back of a chair near the bathroom door, while farther away, Jim was sitting on one side of the bed, dressed in his own sweats and shirt, a cup of hot chocolate in his hands while Bones's was waiting for him on the nightstand.

"I'd be lying if I said the opposite wasn't true as well." If they'd been in his quarters with Jim using his shower, he'd be telling a bold face lie if he said he wouldn't love seeing Jim in barely any clothes. Not that tonight was the time or place, but he meant to be honest. Show that they felt the same both ways. Tonight, though, he just wanted to be close to Jim in any way he could be.

Pressing into that kiss, he smiled just a little. He liked the lingering touch, the way Jim's hand stayed in contact as long as he could before he moved out of reach of the blonde's hands. Sending a smile smile to his best friend, he disappeared into the shower. Jim had been right. He needed this. The relaxing heat easing so many tensed up muscles in his shoulders and back.

When he finally came out, he spotted the clothes. With a towel about his waist, he picked up the clothes on the chair and paused in the doorway. Jim looked wholly domestic sitting there on the bed comfy and with the hot cocoa in his hands. It made him smile a little more. "Thanks, Jim." He rose the clothes to elaborate what he meant then ducked back in the bathroom to change.

Finally slipping out, he moved to the bed and slid in on the side not occupied by the blonde. Scootng over closer, he let his shoulder rest against Jim and settled into the feelings of warmth just sitting close. Fingertips brushed Jim's elbow as he angled his head to look at him. "Did you need to shower?"

At the sound of the door opening, Jim's eyes drifted from the book he was lazily reading to Bones, his gaze lingering just a little. Not that he was looking at him in a particularly suggestive way, but he figured that he could look all he liked now, so that was exactly what he did.

His smile stretched against the rim of his mug as Bones disappeared back into the bathroom, and he took a slow sip as he leaned back, reading a few more lines before he closed the book and set it down on the nightstand, waiting until Bones came out of the bathroom and joined him on the bed.

"No, I'm good," he turned a little on his side, so he could place a lingering kiss to Bones's shoulder. "I'll just shower in the morning. Looks like it did you good, though."

It's a funny thing. Knowing and not knowing that Jim would look. More like he hoped Jim did what he thought he would and let his eyes look at him. If anything, it was more to affirm to himself that Jim was interested in him. Dumb, right. He knew that. But maybe it made him happy enough that by the time he got back to the bed a slight blush was coloring the tips of his ears lightly. Not that he'd say anything.

And maybe he froze just a bit as Jim kissed his shoulder like that. Hazel eyes came to rest on Jim's face as the corner of his lips rose just a little in a slight smile. Of all the things he expected from the other man, that kind of soft romantic gesture surprised him. In a good way.

"Yeah. Yeah, I feel better. Less up tight." He said the words honestly, but he knew most of that relaxed look came from Jim himself. The shower just finished him off and let him melt into the bed as he slid down onto his back leaving him to look up at Jim with an arched brow. He didn't know what to say. He'd already spilled some of the secrets he'd been holding so close to his chest that he might have suffocated himself on them if he had to much longer.

And really, right now, he felt tired. Heavy limbed, and warm being this close to the person that mattered most in his life. After a moment, all he could think he wanted right then, was to offer his hand to Jim, palm up, fingers unfurling just a little in offering to Jim for him to take it.

Jim was just relieved he didn't have to keep his interest a secret anymore. Not just that, but that showing how he felt was encouraged, thus the staring. He did want Bones to know he was interested, and that he loved him just as much as he was attracted to him. Even if nothing came of it tonight— but Jim didn't mind that at all. They weren't in a rush, and for once it felt good to take his time.

"Good," he smiled, nuzzling against his shoulder briefly before Bones was moving away from him, lying on his back. Frankly, he'd never been overly inclined for romantic gestures, and more often than not when he saw other people sharing such gestures he always thought it was all a little silly. But now? God, he wanted that with Bones. To hold his hand, kiss his cheek, brush his thumb across his jaw, or even something as simple as press their shoulders together when they stood close to each other.

Still sitting, he turned on the bed and settled his free hand on Bones's chest, then let it slide down and curl into Bones's own. He sipped just a little more of his hot chocolate before setting it aside, then shifted around until he was lying on his side, right next to Bones. "This... was not how I thought my day would go."

He couldn't help but watch Jim move around. His eyes following the subtle changes in his expression or the movement of his body. Leonard even felt his eyes drawn to the way the mug pressed against the blonde's lips. He wanted every little detail and loved the chance to actually watch them and commit them to memory. In fact, the moment Jim's hand came to rest on his chest, he felt like he couldn't breathe.

For all the right reasons.

Being left breathless by Jim felt a little like a high of sorts. It rushed through him like a flurry of butterflies in his stomach and chest. When that hand found his, he curled his fingers through Jim's and pulled the their laced knuckles to his lips.

"Is it better or worse than you expected?" He asked the question quietly, his head turned to find Jim's eyes as he settled down beside him. "Aside from making myself look like a fool today, I think my day turned out a lot better than I every would've thought it could."

Their laced hands settled on Bones's stomach afterwards, as Jim was sure they were both just as unwilling to let go just yet. He chuckled at the question, nose brushing against Bones's shoulder, cheek pressed warmly against it.

"Are you kidding? It's better, obviously. So much better." He hadn't been having a bad day by any means, but it had been pretty uneventful up until the point he'd stepped into Bones's office. And while watching him fall apart hadn't been his preferred form of excitement, he definitely loved what they managed to get from it.

Stretching his neck as much as he could, he leaned in and planted a kiss to the corner of Bones's lips, lingering and then smiling as he pulled away again. "You make me happy." And he didn't even need to do anything else. Just lying here, holding hands, talking to each other, smiling and stealing soft kiss, that already was more than Jim could've ever hoped for.

Smoothing his thumb along the line of Jim's hand, he stared at the ceiling for only a moment as he listened to Jim chuckle. His eyes shifted when Jim's nose touched his shoulder. It sent a shot of pure warmth through his body that truth be told, left him a little breathless. Breathing in slowly, he turned his head to look at Jim completely as his hand squeezed Jim's softly.

The corner of his lips rose into a half smile as he let those words sink in. Only to break into a full smile as Jim's lips touched his. When did the blonde learn to be that damn romantic? It was ungodly attractive and he might just come undone if the man kept doing all those little things that were driving him crazy.

Like saying that one simple statement. Lips parted and he inhaled sharply. Turning over onto his side, he wrapped one arm around Jim's waist and pulled him close. Shifting, he let their foreheads touch as he drew their hands to his lips and brushed them against the knuckles. "You've always made me happy, but gotta say, you're making me so happy right now I'm not sure I'll find the ground again any time soon. Stop messin' with my pessimism." He winked at Jim before moving to kiss him again a little more solid and lingering this time.

To be fair, Jim had never been the romantic sort, not with anyone. He wouldn't have expected to be even with the right person, but Bones just... awoke something in him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it or explain it, but it did feel great so he wasn't about to question it.

"Good. Life's pretty great when you don't keep your feet on the ground all the time," literally and figuratively both. Jim pressed his smile against Bones's with that kiss, closing his eyes as his arm wrapped around his neck, shifting closer and settling his body right against the doctor's.

Pulling back, he kissed across Bones's cheek, pressing his lips to the wrinkles at the corner of his eye. "Love it when you smile."

Sliding his hand slowly along Jim's bicep as his arms curled around his neck. A brow rose lightly as the smile warmed even the look in his eyes. "You're usually right... but I likely shouldn't get carried away." Leaning in, he kissed him again sweetly, daring to nip at his lower lip.

His other hand slipped down the line of Jim's spine to rest against his lower back and pull him closer. He might've been content to just stay pressed close like this, but then that trail of kisses caused his breath to hitch. Jim truly was makin' a fine mess of him. Then those words made something melt deep in his chest. His exhale shivered out of him as he pulled the man closer.

Somewhere over the years he realized that Jim was one of a very select few that could get him to smile. Other people got smiles tacked on to sarcasm and dry normally insulting humor. And where Jim got those too, the real ones that were so damn rare were reserved for Jim and his daughter. Moving his hand from Jim's arm to cup his face, he just smiled, a flare of red spilling over his skin. "Only for you, you know that? As long as you don't mind sharin' with my little girl."

Jim shifted closer willingly, for a moment burying his face in the curve of Bones's neck and hugging him tight, pulling away again just in time to see that red coloring his cheeks. He looked damn attractive when he was blushing, Jim couldn't help note, and he couldn't help a warm smile either, tainted with both fondness and amusement.

"Actually, that's the one person I don't mind one bit sharing you with." Jim liked Jo, though he hadn't talked to her much so far. But she was bright and sweet, and thanks to what Bones had shared about her, in some ways he felt like he knew her a whole lot better too. He just hoped that they'd get more chances to get to know each other from now on. At least there was more reason for them to.

Patting Bones on his side, he urged him to shift on the bed. "Alright, let's get under the covers. We should get some sleep."

"Good to know." He knew Jim supported his efforts to stay in contact with Jo. Sometimes his ex made it harder than hell just to talk to her. But he kept pushing as delicately as he could so as not to destroy the balance and get locked out completely. For the most part, he got at least weekly communication with his daughter and he made an effort to write her as often as he could. At least that way she knew who he was. And he was just damn thankful that she wrote him back.

Honestly, he knew he'd never have survived any of this if Jim hadn't been such a huge part of his life. Granted he'd often wanted more, but Jim's friendship had been a cornerstone to his life. The main reason he couldn't risk it for so long, came back to that fact.

Slipping his fingertips over Jim's cheek, he huffed a soft sound and finally untangled himself from Jim so they could move the covers over them. Sliding back on the bed turned on his side, he caught Jim by the hip and pulled softly. "What made you decide to come lookin' for me tonight? Just curious. Know you've been busy with all those reports and gettin' the new Enterprise up and runnin'." In fact, he wouldn't have been surprised if Jim started to eat and sleep work in the wake of everything that happened until he got the crew back on track and empty slots filled.

Not that he was complainin'. The fact Jim fit him in meant the world to him.

Jim snuggled in under the blankets, shifting closer as Bones tugged at his hip. Slipping one arm underneath Bones's head, his other hand slid up his back to cradle his neck, fingers sifting slowly through the short strands of hair.

"I just..." he started, trailing off for a moment until finally he shrugged and sighed. "I missed you, is all. Wanted to see how you were doing."

He hadn't been planning for anything like this, not even remotely. But as much as it hurt being close to Bones when he though something like this was well beyond his reach, he was still Jim's best friend and the one person he felt like he could really talk to about anything. He'd just been searching for that, then. That comfort, that safe spot that Bones somehow always was to him.

Yes, even when he was griping about death and darkness and the endless void of space.

The breaking point... (for winscenario)

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