legendary_hands | The breaking point... (for winscenario)

The breaking point... (for winscenario)

Eventually the noise and the rush died down. All the people from the crew were out of medical and he didn’t have the nurses following him around insisting to fix his own problems that just weren’t necessary to fix. Others had bigger problems like Spock or Jim and his unquenchable desire to be the galaxy’s damn punching bag. But all that had to end sometime and the adrenaline crash had to finally take hold.

At least he made it till after the birthday party he managed to somehow get together in between patients and not sleeping.

Sleeping was a luxury he didn’t have. Even with time, sleep just didn’t happen or all he could see when he closed his eyes were the bodies floating in space or the shriveled forms of people he couldn’t save. Or that awful feeling of flying and falling and crashing every time he laid down. It wore him down to the bone and he almost wanted to laugh. Because without that adrenaline to keep him pushing forward, it felt a little like losing everything. The strength in his legs, the ability to stand up straight and just the all-around ability to function. Most importantly, the ability to not think about how goddamn much it hurt like a knife in his gut when stupid shit came back to the forefront of his mind.

The admiral insisted he take leave. The ‘traumatic’ experience – damn right it was traumatic – takes times to get past and ease back into the work. Thing was, without that adrenaline and push forward, all that left him with for company was himself. Himself and his own damn brain to bring up things best left buried. Not even the bottle of whiskey he dug up was doin’ any good makin’ him think less. It just left him in silence in his assigned quarters to mull over what bothered him over and over again.

His fingers ran over the side of the bottle slowly, he honestly didn’t drink more than a third of it yet. He shouldn’t have drank any of it. Leonard promised himself after the divorce and losing JoAnna this wouldn’t happen again. But that was before he had to deal with this… thing. This ridiculous malarkey of emotions all balled up in a fine mess in his chest. His fingers tightened sharply around the neck of the bottle.

It’s not his fault.

Could ya really blame someone for something like this? For not realizing how much it stung like salt in an open wound to always be over looked? To watch Spock get the thanks and he got nothing. Not to say he hated the snark and joking he and Jim had between them. He enjoyed it… but this time? This time it cut deep. The things he had to do, the fears he had to overcome, all on top of his still raw feelings about Jim up and dyin’ on him not that long ago.

For years he told himself it was fine. That’s how Jim was. He didn’t really thank him for things, and quite honestly, at the Academy it didn’t bother him. Then there was Spock. And where the Vulcan was growin’ on him like a fungus, it ate at him little by little each time Jim poured on the gratitude and praise to the guy and never looked twice at him. And maybe it was – no it really was – his own damn fault for being in love with his best friend, but it just cut deeper each time it happened.

The doctor hated flying. Hated it with a passion. But he did it cause Jim asked him to. Sure he yelled and screamed, but he did it. Maybe that was his fault as well. If he didn’t argue, then Jim would get the picture. But he was just lyin’ to himself. Cause he didn’t yell or complain when Jim died. He cried his way through it in the silence and told himself he would break his oath and play god just this time. Just once more. He took life away once, maybe it balanced out his sins if he could get it back just once.

But Spock got the credit there, too. It wasn’t shared credit, it was all the credit.

God help him, but it just wasn’t right. It burned in his throat far harsher than the whiskey and felt like it burned all the way to his chest and head with a sort of anger. Anger built on confusion, frustration, and self-reproach for even feelin’ this way to begin with.

It’s my job to be a doctor. To save lives. I don’t need recognition.

But it wasn’t recognition that he wanted. He could care less about anyone else on the ship realizing just what he did. What things he broke or overcame for one person. One person that seemed oblivious as hell about what he felt. Just one person…

Something just broke. A long thin thread unraveled and finally snapped as his arm flung out over the table top and sent the bottle of amber liquid flying across the small room and slammed with a crash into the metallic wall. The sound was shrill as a wet slosh along with the muffled sound of shards of glass rolled across the floor filled the room. His data PADD – that had laid off to the side – slid off in the motion, hitting against the floor with a clatter of too loud to not have broken something. And in the silence that followed, hazel eyes fixed on the fluid trailing across the floor, curling around the broken glass pieces and off into open space. How damn poetic.

The spark of anger that came with that thought had him picking up the tumbler next in what he damn well knew was a tantrum and threw it at the door this time. Cause tantrum or not, it felt good to just… let it out for once.

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"Jim..." His voice strained on the i in his name as he sighed. The guy wouldn't let it go. And hell, he'd be lying if he was just a little flustered in a good way that Jim was putting a face like that on just cause he couldn't figure him out. It meant something to get that much focus out of James Tiberius Kirk. But it also hurt cause what good was it to tell Jim it was because of him he was a right mess?

Lowering her head, he let his forehead rest against the back of one of Jim's hands on his own. The touch felt so damn warm. Like it melted something in the nerves until all he wanted was to just see if that warmth could just run up his arms and into his chest or if that was just the feelin' that came with the moment and the emotions. "I can't lose you." He stressed the word even if his voice was so soft and quiet.

He wanted to do just that. Give more so Jim would open up himself about what was eatin' him up inside. But this was the kind of stuff that make or break relationships. Could he really take that kind of risk? "It's just a damn fool emotion." But would Jim let it go at that? Not likely.

Shouldn't he just spit it out? But how?

Lifting his head, he pinned Jim with as even a look as he could even as the desperation that filled his gaze. "Is what I do that much less than Spock? Or is it just cause he means more to you in some way that I can't? It's fine if that's what it is. I can... I can deal with it."

God, but he sounded like a teenage girl and he wanted to melt into the floor and disappear.

This was definitely something Jim was not going to let go. For better or worse, he wanted to know what was so bad that left Bones in this state, and to be perfectly honest, he doubted anything at all Bones could tell him would make him want to draw away. He knew the doctor well enough to know that whatever was weighing on his mind would never be enough for him to want to put any kind of distance between them.

But it was jarring in a whole different way to realize what the reason behind all this was. That he was the reason, he was the cause. That if anything or anyone at all was to blame for this, then it was him. And suddenly his look of confusion opened into an aching awareness, something that didn't quite shine with the light of this new knowledge, but felt like a dark gaping wound being torn open in his chest.

"Bones—" his voice faltered despite himself, but at least he managed not to let it crumble altogether. Taking a slow breath, his hands curled a little, fingertips pressing into Bones's palms. "Never... I never thought that. You've always done so much for me, more than you could possibly know. Every day, I'm so happy, so blessed that you're part of my life. There's no unit of measurement for just how much you mean to me."

Breathing in, he realized he shared a lot more than he intended to, but... hell, in for a penny, in for a pound, as they said. He swallowed down the knot in his throat and went on.

"No one can or will ever mean more to me than you do. No one. But I am sorry if— if I've ever made you feel that way. I thought you knew, so I never said it," which was his bad, he was well aware by now. "Thank you. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. For all the times you saved my ass. For when you brought me back from the dead. For every moment you didn't just walk away, for just... being there. Being part of my life. Thank you."

That... that was far more than he expected. And where he'd felt knots in his back and shoulders as he prepared for the answer, he couldn't have begun to think he would get the words he received just now. A numb sort of shock stilled him first, before it melted into a strange sort of shock in his marginally widened eyes.

And god, then it felt warm as a summer day back home.

A kind of thawing out that started in his chest and slipped through his limbs and into his fingertips. Even his toes curled a little at the tingling sensation all through his nerves. The shock in his eyes softened into something warmer, pools of hazel darkening just a shade as he turned his hands over under Jim's so he could curl his fingers about Jim's gently. "Hey..." His voice came out softer, warm in that roughness that broke up that thick southern drawl. "Don't be thinkin' I'm upset with you. It ain't your doin' that I'm bein' overly sensitive about silly things like this."

He wouldn't forgive himself for hurting Jim even if he needed to hear those words like a flower prayin' for rain in the desert. "You're one of the best things to ever happen to me. "Swear to God, Jim, I'm never gonna up and walk away from you." Not unless he stopped breathin' and functionin'. "But... thanks. Thanks, I needed to hear that. Means the world - no, the whole damn galaxy to me." He smiled at Jim, warm and small but full of genuine adoration.

Honestly, Jim hadn't even thought too far ahead about what kind of reaction he'd get out of Bones with all that, but he was just glad that it was enough to dissipate some of those dark clouds looming over him. He was also glad, although more in a relieved sense, that he apparently managed not to be too obvious about how he really felt about Bones.

That'd hold. Probably for a very long time. Because more so than rejection, Jim couldn't bear the thought of Bones slowly pulling away from him after learning about all that.

"No, you're right," Jim shook his head, smiling again as his fingers curled around Bones's. "Guess I do thank Spock that much, huh? I always figured he needed to hear it more."

So no, it had nothing to do with him meaning any more to Jim. He did care deeply about the vulcan, but it was completely different.

"I'm still sorry. Guess I must've looked like kind of an ass to you, huh," he grinned, letting out a weak chuckle just before he took a long, deep but shaky breath. "I'll say it more often, I promise." Hell, after this whole thing, he was definitely never going to let it slip past him again.

"Think it might be the 'couldn't do this without you' talk you keep spillin' out like gushin' man pain on the floor." He arched a brow at Jim, purposely putting a teasing edge to the words . "Jokin' aside, just had a hard time. I get the whole... every person needs somethin' else from us." He softly squeezed Jim's hands. "I know I'm not the most sensitive person in the world. Not like I broadcast how I feel."

McCoy was about as good with emotions as a rock sometimes and he knew it. But damn it if he wasn't sensitive as hell to how Jim reacted to people. And Jim didn't just gush over anyone. It just surprised him that the blonde wasn't pickin' up on the fact that this came from jealousy and nothin' else.

"Yeah well, you're my 'ass' and I'm used to it anyhow." Rolling his eyes lightly, he looked up at Jim with a solid gaze. His hands tightened on Jim's as he fought that urge to reach up and try to smooth any line of worry or upset out of Jim's face and soothe out any negative emotion he found. "You don't need to change for me. Never want you to be any less than yourself." Jim never bent for anything or anyone, but he'd be lyin' if he said he didn't love it. Feeling like maybe he was one of a small few that mattered that much.

Arching a brow slowly, he weighed his options and what would be considered 'right' and 'too far' as he ran his gaze over Jim's face. In the end, he decided some gambles were worth taking.

So he used his hold on Jim's hands to yank him out of the chair and into him to hug him tight. One hand tangled into the dark blonde hair as he pressed his face into his shoulder and neck. "All I could think about was findin' you. Gettin' Spock back to you. Just... you are such a goddamn hero, Jim. You do all of it by yourself... and if I have to hold a fuckin' phaser and do what you can't do on your own. I'll do it. You are damn near priceless, Jim. If I have to fly and face weeks of vertigo and nightmares... it's a small price to pay if it got some of the load off your shoulders. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?"

Jim actually laughed at that, although if he were to be honest right now, he knew Bones wasn't wrong there. Thinking back now, maybe he did put a little too much into it. Not that he didn't mean all those things he told Spock, mind, but that didn't mean he didn't have other people he was so very grateful for, and so very happy to have in his life.

Most importantly, the man kneeling in front of him. Which, now he though about it, felt a little weird and awkward. Still, he didn't point it out, at least not just yet— and then Bones pulled that move, yanking on his hands hard enough that Jim practically fell out of his chair and into his lap, unable to keep back a surprised yelp and a sudden laugh from slipping past his lips.

"Well, you're my Mister Sensitive, so I guess we'll just have to learn to live with that." As if they hadn't already. As if Jim couldn't practically feel Bones in his blood sometimes, in every cell and nerve that kept his brain alit. A feeling that was particularly difficult to ignore when he was this close to Bones, and when he could do nothing except wrap his arms around his shoulders and hold him close, one hand cupping the back of the doctor's head while the fingers of the other curled into the back of his shirt.

"Just glad it got you back to me, too," Jim closed his eyes and tried to breathe deep, feeling everything in him crumble to small pieces by just being this close, holding each other. Feelings threatened to burst through the seams and short of getting up and running out of this room right now, he wasn't really sure how he was going to stop himself from letting them all spill out.

I love you, I love you, I love you. He wanted to kick himself for how badly he wanted to say that out loud right now.

"I think I've got some idea, yeah."

"You have no idea, darlin'." He said the words, a slight quiver to his voice as he hugged him tighter. He was all Jim's, the blonde just had no idea. Taking a deep breath, he let it out shakily still pressing his face into Jim's neck. He rarely let himself just call Jim any type of endearment, but he was too threadbare and worn emotionally to stop himself now. Not when he needed to be close like this and just not let go of him.

Carding his fingers through Jim's hair, he let his nails scrape softly against his scalp. Slowly, he shifted his fingers until he let the tips tenderly rubbed his scalp in soothing motions that purposely sought out the pressure points and any spot he knew would ease some of the stress out of Jim. "well, I'm stubborn as all hell, Jim. I was bound to wander upon ya somehow or walk that damn planet till I did. But I might just have never forgiven you if I got stuck carrying Spock around bridal style. That I do not want to experience. Ever."

Huffing lightly, he turned his head to touch his nose into Jim's hairline. "I don't know if you do, Jim." His tone got softer, edged in sadness as he closed his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to just keep going. Keep tellin' Jim just how much he loved everything about him. Even the parts that drove him utterly insane. "Gonna be the death of me, darlin'. But I don't plan on ever goin' out easy." It was only half teasing now. Sometimes he just tried too damn hard to keep Jim safe.

Vaguely, Jim thought that this was probably the closest they'd ever been to each other. Physically, emotionally— both, actually. Like a strange mix of the two. Jim could practically feel his heart beating against Bones's chest at a dizzying speed, his scent seeping in through his very pores. It was terribly dangerous, but also something he couldn't possibly resist.

Bones still somehow managed to think of the perfect thing to distract him, though, and Jim couldn't help laugh at the mental image. "Oh, what I would've given to see that," he teased, his voice so completely amused with the picture he had in his head. Bones's deeply set frown, Spock all rigid and uncomfortable in his arms... yeah, that was sure to make him laugh plenty of times in the future.

His neck relaxed a little underneath Bones's touch, and he returned in kind, thumb pressing to the muscles at Bones's nape, while his fingertips sifted through the short hairs. Eventually, and a little reluctantly, he pulled away, though his hands didn't really move or let go of him just yet. "Like I'd ever let you die, Bones," he smiled a little more easily now, nudging lightly at his shoulder. "I'll always be there to keep you safe, you've got my word."

There it was. That laugh he loved to hear from Jim and how it always seemed to light up his world just hearing the idiot happy. "Yeah well, don't go countin' your chickens before they hatch. I don't plan on carryin' that bean pole anywhere any time soon." Snorting softly, he couldn't stop the corner of his lips lifting just a little to smile just a bit.

Humming a low, unconscious sound, Leonard felt a good deal of the tension bleed out of his neck and shoulders. He like this proximity. The warmth and feeling of just having Jim closer. Somewhere he could have that false hope he could keep him safe.

His heartbeat.

He didn't have to ask the computer if Jim's vitals were fine. The doctor could feel his pulse alive and strong against him. It made him feel like his feet finally found solid ground and God, he needed this.

When Jim pulled back, he let his eyes catch those of blue and he shivered slightly. Things like that, you didn't just go and say 'em. The hand in Jim's hair shifted, the palm pressing against his cheek as his fingertips traced along the frame of his face. It was so damn easy... easy to drown in those blue eyes and get carried away by those words that he knew damn well were heart felt and sincere.

His thumb slid over Jim's cheekbone slowly as his lips parted to take a shaky breath. "I love you..." The moment the words came out on the exhale, his eyes went wide. And just as fast, he turned his head away and cursed under his breath. "Damn it.. Look Jim... just... just forget I said that. Sorry."

Things felt just a little easier now, a little lighter. There was a smile on Bones's face and Jim was relieved to see it, the tension and misery from before almost as if bleeding out of them, evaporating into the air itself. Jim looked genuinely glad for the way things turned out, even it still felt a little like they were too close.

But it was fine. Things were going to be fine, and Jim didn't feel guilt eating away at him anymore, some corroding feeling that this was all his fault.

The hand on his cheek was warm and it was the most difficult thing to stop himself from leaning into that touch or nuzzling his face against Bones's palm. One of his hands did move to rest on Bones's forearm, the other settling on his other shoulder, while inwardly debating just how long he could keep up the contact until it became too weird.

But then, Bones opened his mouth and everything was just wiped clean from his mind. The three simple words swept through him like a perfect echo of his own thoughts, and for a moment Jim actually wondered if it was just his mind playing tricks on him, his wishful thinking making him hear things. But then Bones was tensing and looking away from him, and he was apologizing and telling him to forget about it, and—

How? Why? Why would he ever want to do that?

"No— no," his answer was delayed and abrupt, like kickstarting an old engine that refused to work. He shifted closer and his hands reached out, curling into Bones's arm, shoulder, his neck, urging him to look at him again. "Tell me. Tell me you meant that. Did you mean it?"

Jim couldn't even bother to sound calm. His voice practically shook its way out of him, immeasurable hope and fear making him almost sick to the stomach. It was a good feeling, but it was also terrifying. Bones could've meant anything by that, right? Anything.

In the silence that followed that slip of the tongue, Leonard felt sick. His stomach instantly knotted up and twisted until he felt like it resided in his throat and not where it was supposed to be. Jim’s silence weighed heavy on him and for a damn second he thought throwing up was a sure fire thing. What was he thinking?

No. That’s the problem. He wasn’t thinking. He went and opened his damn mouth and didn’t check the words before they came spillin’ out like so much damn nonsense. The doctor felt horrified in ways he couldn’t even begin to explain… if he lost Jim…

The first sound of Jim saying ‘no’ so abruptly felt like a stab to the gut and he instantly pulled his hands away from him. It felt so mellow dramatic in some ways. They just hovered there a moment unsure what to do until he felt Jim’s hands on him. Even if Jim didn’t force him, he felt like he couldn’t go against that insistent push for him to finally look at Jim again. The marginally wide eyes of fear finally dared to look up into Jim’s face and Leonard had to clench his jaw as he searched for something, anything to say that might fix this in some way Jim wouldn’t push him away entirely.

Tell me you mean that.

Blinking a few times, the fear shifted to something more like shock. How could—did Jim really think he’d dare say anything like that to him and not mean it? He would apologize for saying it, sure, but hell would freeze over before he negated the truth behind those words. And the tone of his voice… damn it but it broke his heart.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes a moment and told himself, for better or worse, he needed to speak plainly and honestly. Cause god help him, he didn’t want to hurt Jim with lies or platitudes. He could never be that selfish. Especially not when he came to Jim. Which was why he reached out slowly once more, his fingertips barely grazing his cheeks before he cupped the blonde’s head in his hands. “You listen well and good, Jim… I would never go and say somethin’ like that to you and not mean it. It’s not just some phrase I throw around cause it’s easy or cause it’s the only thing to say. Those kinda words are sacred to me. Kinda like you are to me.”

Taking a deep breath, he smoothed his thumbs over Jim’s cheeks and furrowed his brow as a darkened look of despair slid over his face. “Swear to God, Jim… I love you. It hurts sometimes how much you mean to me and I can’t do a damn thing about it. When I say I’m sorry, it’s not cause I am apologizin’ for lovin’ you… I’m apologizin’ for probably destroyin’ our friendship cause you probably don’t want to go that far or take it to that level. I’m hopin’ I didn’t go and say somethin’ that just ripped us apart cause god knows I can’t take it if you leave me behind cause I let that come out when I shouldn’t.” His gaze looked almost pleading as he let his hands slide down to rest against Jim’s neck. “Please… just tell me I didn’t fuck this up.”

In some strange way, Jim was reminded of the gravity field and high-G trainings back at the academy, when he felt his head spinning too fast to think, when he lost all sense of what was up and down. His mind was pulling in all directions, heart jumping from worry to happiness, from panic and fear to immeasurable hope. Hope that he'd been pushing down for so long now that he wasn't even sure how it flared up in his chest this fast.

He drew in a sharp breath when Bones reached out and touched him again, unaware he'd stopped breathing altogether for those few seconds of painful but exciting waiting. He had to look borderline desperate at this point, but he couldn't care less. Not when he hung on every word Bones said as if they were gospel, or held the whole truth about the known universe.

They didn't, but they were all the truth Jim cared about, and his universe may as well have narrowed down to this room, this place, this man and nothing else. And he was telling him that yes, he did love him, he did care that much, and Jim felt like the whole dam keeping his own feelings inside just cracked and broke into pieces so everything just came rushing out like an unstoppable stream.

One hand cupped Bones's neck, the other still on his shoulder. He felt a ridiculous urge to laugh right now, but he managed to settle with a smile, a little shaky but soon stretching into a grin.

Rather than say anything, he chose to answer by actions rather than words, and before Bones could bring himself down even more, he shifted closer and leaned in until there was no space between them and he was crushing their mouths together in a kiss.

His mind already started working through all the things he could say to make it better. How nothing will change. He didn't want anything from Jim. Not... not really. Just being friends with him was enough. He didn't have to have anything else. He'd survived years with just that. It was fine... right?

Except he didn't know how to make that tight pain in his chest go away. What if this never would be okay again? Leonard thought for the first time in his life he was on the verge of an honest to god panic attack of all things. Brow furrowing, he searched Jim's face still trying to figure out what to say when a smile started to form on his face. Blinking a few times, he felt a little numb around the edges as it morphed slowly into a grin that felt far too warm and looked too beautiful to have him panic just yet. Instead he felt... stunned. Like the ground under him became too soft and threw him off balance.

Then it went and spun right outta axis when Jim leaned closer to kiss him like that. Every thought in his head came to an utter and abrupt stop when Jim's lips found his and for one dumb second, Leonard was too stunned to respond. No amount of predictin' prepared him for this. Nothing could even begin to make him expect for Jim to...

The hows and whys didn't matter, damn it. It was just that it was. And he'd be damned if he let this moment happen without him responding. The hands resting against Jim's neck moved, one curling into the hair at the back of his head while the other cupped the side of his face. Pressing into the kiss finally, he made sure to kiss him for all he was worth. If this were the first and last kiss he ever got from Jim, he would damn well make it count.

But he did finally pull away, licking his lips to chase the taste of Jim against them before he tried to pull his mind back together from the melted mess Jim just put him in. "Jim... I'm serious now... This... tell me this isn't you just tryin' to make me feel better." Because it was possible. It was possible even if he prayed with all his might against it. He didn't want Jim to do things just to make him happy.

This whole thing seemed so surreal that for a moment Jim had to wonder if he was just dreaming, if all of this wasn't just in his head. It was ridiculous to think of, like he was some teenager falling in love for the first time, but his mind could very well be playing tricks on him.

Except if he was imagining this, he was sure Bones's lips wouldn't feel this warm and soft, his heart wouldn't pound so hard it nearly threatened to burst out of his chest. He tried to take a breath only for it to dissolve into a soft little gasp into the kiss, his fingers curling tight and practically clawing at the fabric of Bones's shirt.

When Bones pulled away he let out a sound of surprise and mild complaint, but he didn't stop him. He licked and sucked at his lips, slowly opening his eyes to find Bones looking deliciously flustered and breathless. Jim couldn't possibly wipe the smile spread across his face.

The remark was, of course, a Bones classic, and very much predictable. Jim couldn't help a laugh, unable to restrain any of his reactions at this point. "Oh my God, Bones, just— just do me a favor and shut up," said in a warm and loving tone, before he leaned in and kissed Bones again and again (because he could do that now), foreheads resting together even as he broke that contact again. "I love you. God, I love you so much. It was eating me up inside not to say it and I can't believe you beat me to it."

Not that Jim was planning on ever saying it, mind. But he was just teasing Bones a little with that last remark.

Flustered was a good word for it. Bordering on debauched with his skin flushes, hair askew and lips slightly darker than normal. His pupils dilated from that rush of pleasure of just having that ability to kiss Jim and how it made his world tilt on edge and devour him up in the moment. He felt like, even as he asked his question, that he was stuck on one helluva dream.

A dream that definitely felt more real when Jim told him to shut up. That, that was classic Jim Kirk. He might have even scowled at the blonde had he not caught his lips in a kiss once more. This time he gave a soft sound of happiness as Jim managed to steal a few before he finally felt the press of his forehead and the dizzying feeling of just breathing his air and being close. For the love of all that was holy, kissing Jim felt like being unmade and remade all at the same time.

Especially with those words.

Leonard blinked a few times at Jim, before a smile blossomed over his face. A beautiful uninhibited real smile that hardly ever flickered across the doctor's face. "Was feelin' that, too, darlin'. Guess no matter how much I intended to keep it to myself, I just never did stand a chance against you." Given enough pushing, the right look or words, and Leonard was bound to slip up because of Jim and his weakness for the blonde.

Reaching up, he slipped his fingers through Jim's hair and let out a soft sigh. "Kinda glad I did up and break." Kinda didn't begin to explain it. He felt like it was the best slip up of his life and god help him, he felt like his heart was fluttering like a caged bird at the thought of Jim being in love with him. It felt so amazing and unreal and everything he could have ever asked for.

Cupping the back of his head, the doctor leaned in and kissed him again. This time he put his best foot forward, licking at Jim's lips until he could delve into his mouth and take his time to memorize and taste him on his tongue. And needless to say, he was already addicted to kissing him.

Bones was a chronic worrier, so Jim really wasn't all that surprised that that was the first thing he'd think to ask. But no, kissing Bones out of the blue wouldn't have been the first thing to come to mind if he didn't happen to return his feelings, especially considering what he knew was at stake here.

Even if he didn't feel the same... he would never just use Bones only to toss him to the curb the next morning. He'd never turn his back on him either. They'd always be friends, regardless of whatever other feelings there were. Luckily they both felt the same, so there was no need for misery and unrequited pining. At least not anymore.

Jim almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous this all was. How silly of two grown men to care about each other this much, going around carrying torches and thinking the other didn't have it just as bad.

"Really glad you did, too," he murmured against Bones's lips, his own parting easily when Bones licked at them while kissing him. Mouth parting and head canting just so, he let the contact deepen, his hands sliding up Bones's neck until his fingers were sifting through his hair, sighing happily into the kiss.

It felt a lot like learning how to finally really fly after clinging to the edge of the nest too long. That initial drop hurt. Made him sick and nauseous just thinking about all the ways it would go wrong. And then that sudden rush of finally. Finally he got everything he wanted. Funny how everything to him really narrowed down to this moment. Jim Kirk in his arms and kissing him.

But then, Leonard was always more simple than anything else. Following Jim out into the black had been a hard yet easy decision. He'd not even dwelt on the fear and the queasy feeling he normally got when told he would spend five years in space. He just simply said yes. He accepted his commission and dealt with the after effects later.

Worth it. Every moment had been and always would be worth it. Regardless if Jim loved him back or not. And when he thought about what might have happen if he hadn't accepted the position as CMO...

It sent a chill down his spine that he turned into a more pressing need to kiss Jim harder and deeper as he wrapped his arms about him and pulled him close. When he had to finally come up for air, he found himself just peering into Jim's face with a certain level of awe in his gaze. And more than anything else, he wanted to tell Jim to never go where he couldn't follow him. "So... if I give you a reason to make it back alive, think you'll do a better job to do just that?" He wouldn't stop Jim from being Jim... but at least he hoped he'd try harder. Strive to get back to him and not just give up cause he was a better sacrifice than someone else.

Jim didn't even think about that. Not that he ever had, honestly; ever since the Academy days that he'd made the decision that wherever he ended up, he wanted Bones there with him. Back then this was just a friendship, but it was a pretty important one to him. It was the only important friendship to Jim, actually, and even as he met other people and made friends among those in his crew, none of them meant the same to him as Bones did.

Of course, by then his feelings had morphed into a rapidly growing crush, and from there onwards it had all been sort of... well, downhill. Fair enough, now he was happy beyond belief, but back then it was somewhat mortifying and even a source of guilt to realize that he was developing some pretty strong feelings for his best friend.

That was another thing that changed, too. A sense of relief washed over him, clearing away whatever guilt he felt with regards to his feelings for Bones. It was exhilarating to think that looking at him now wouldn't come with just a jab of ache in his heart, that he could just reach out and touch him, kiss him, think about him in whatever way he wanted and not feel like he just had somehow betrayed their friendship.

He pulled back from the kiss, a bit breathless but still smiling wide, hands moving down to cup Bones's jaw as his thumbs brushed across his cheeks. "Hey, I always do a great job at that," he huffed in feigned offense, smile simmering down as blue eyes searched hazel. He nodded faintly. "I'll always come back to you, Bones. Always."

"You certainly go and pull lots of funny rabbits out of the hat, that's for damn sure." He groused those words in irritation, but he was also so thankful that Jim could do just that. Come out on top regardless of the odds. Until Khan. His eyes closed at that thought, and his chest tied up in knots. When he finally opened his eyes to meet those of blue and their searching gaze, he knew the furrow that marred his brow was more one of desperation than any thing else. The kind that could push him to tears if he didn't rein it in.

Both hands rose to cup Jim's face as he only managed a nod for now. He couldn't make himself do more than that without pushing himself to tears. "Always be waitin' for you." Just as he always had and he always would. And with the way his voice wavered on those words, he had to blink his eyes a few times to push away the burning feeling in them.

"First I'm going to ask him to stay." He said the words quietly, his hands moving to cup around Jim's on his face. Hazel slid back to Jim's when he dared to try again and get a firmer grasp on his emotions. "Then I'm gonna 'pologize cause I know... I know I can't just break myself of makin' sure you're still breathing." So many nights he woke up panicking. Scared to death for no reason. "Do you know why I deflected you that day you woke up?"

He could feel it, that tell tale sheen of tears forming over his vision and causing Jim's face to go out of focus. "Cause I spent so many days cryin' over you and not sleepin' that I knew... I knew if I talked to you too much right then I was gonna fall apart. And that was the last thing you needed. So yeah... I complain that you didn't thank me, but I also brought it on myself."

Jim didn't particularly like that look on Bones's face, or the way his eyes watered in what was almost a warning. His hands cupped Bones's cheeks, thumbs stroking the skin, brushing softly along the lines of his face.

He also knew there was no point trying to stop it. This was... hell, Bones had been dealing with a lot more than Jim was aware of, and maybe this really was the best way for him to work through it. Maybe crying would actually help relieve some of that tension, even if he highly doubted the doctor would ever stop worrying too much about everything.

"All I'm hearing is that you tried too hard to not fall apart in front of me, and look where that could've gotten you." Drunk, alone and completely miserable— frankly Jim didn't even want to think what state Bones would be in if he hadn't come in at that moment today, if he hadn't pushed Bones to talk to him, to tell him what was on his mind. Hopefully they could work on things from here on out.

He leaned in, kissing Bones's cheeks, brushing their noses together before pulling him close and hugging him again. "You can cry all you want. And you can call me in the middle of the night just to make sure I'm still alive. Promise I'll always pick up." A pause, then he added with warm amusement. "Or you can check for yourself, if we happen to be on the same bed."

Where would he be, indeed. Leonard had spent a few nights - no, more than a few - just sitting there staring into a glass of alcohol he drank at so slowly something he didn't finish it. But the temptation was always there. Always lingering in a desk drawer or in a cabinet waiting for him to cave in on himself when he couldn't take it anymore. Truth be told, he made a damn good point each time that Jim didn't need a drunk depressed CMO and best friend. It helped enough in the past.

Tonight... Tonight was the closest he'd ever been to giving up that struggle. Leonard knew the ache was too much and maybe that's why he let the anger get to him. Can't drink liquor that is pooling all over the floor now can ya? But that didn't mean he'd get through any of this unscathed if Jim hadn't stopped in.

He 'stared into the abyss' so to speak. And came damn close to falling in.

The idea felt cold, alarming and down right probable. Until those warm touches and kisses started to seep into his skin. Breathing in sharply, he let his eyes flutter closed as Jim pulled him closer. His head moved instantly to press his face into his neck and nearly held his breath. The moisture dampened his lashes, but he tried to hold back anyway. Don't do it. Don't do this to Jim.

Jim had too much to deal with as it was. He didn't need Leonard falling apart on him. And yet he was so damn close. Only, that crack about staying in the same bed caused him to exhale a surprised laugh. An unwinding of tension that hurt as much as it felt amazing. A feeling that crumbled down walls he'd built up strong and tall and a few tears found their way from his eyes to end up following the line of Jim's neck. "Truth be told... you can stay in my bed every night if you wanted." It wasn't like they weren't already living in each other's pockets up to this point. They just rarely shared a bed since the academy.

Jim didn't care. He didn't care if Bones cried right now, he didn't care if Bones fell apart, so long as he was there to catch him and keep him together. It was the thought of Bones going through all that completely alone that really terrified him.

Never mind what he had to deal with or not. Bones always had his own plate full more often than not but he was still always there for Jim when he needed it. He didn't want the doctor to keep anything from him, not even once, just because he thought Jim already had more than enough to handle. Nothing was nearly as important as Bones to him.

"I'll take that as permission, then. No take backs," Jim warned playfully, his hands smoothing down Bones's back. He could feel some moisture on his neck but he said nothing to it, letting Bones cry as much as he wanted to, holding him close and keeping him from pulling away for now.

He laughed breathlessly at that. Soon he wrapped his arms about Jim tightly and nuzzled closer into his neck like he might just be able to disappear into the warmth of Jim's body if he pressed close enough. "Wouldn't take it back for the world, hell, the galaxy. So yeah, darlin'... that's an open invitation." One he still felt oddly nervous giving.

Taking a shivering breath, he let it out with a labored sound as some of the knots in his chest just wouldn't let go. He wanted to just wrap Jim up in his arms and not let go for as long as possible. Keep him safe and just maybe... maybe he wouldn't have to sit back and let him die like last time and not even be there to say goodbye. And god if that didn't get him the most.

Then he landed on a damn planet too far away with a wounded vulcan and no contact with Jim. His arms tightened around him as he squeezed his eyes shut. He would rather pull his own teeth out than admit that he was crying now. "Hate flyin'. No good at it... And then I had to do or die... had to be in the right place and catch you. I can be a doctor, Jim... but then you had to go and rely on me to be a pilot of all the damn things. Seems fittin'... only took those piloting courses cause of you."

"Don't forget you said that, then." Because now Jim was definitely going to make himself at home in Bones's quarters. Not that he'd ever had that many qualms before, but he sure had never slept in his bed, especially not in the context they were implying here. Jim felt more excited about the prospect than he did nervous, but there was definitely a tingling sensation at the pit of his stomach that made his insides flutter a little.

Sliding his hands back up to Bones's shoulders, Jim tried to lean back a little, hands moving down Bones's arms instead. Of course he was crying, that wasn't even remotely a secret right now, but Jim still didn't point it out. Even if in the dark of the room he could still see the way his cheeks glistened faintly in the dim light.

"Then I guess it's a really good thing you took those courses because of me, or else I'd have been screwed," Jim said lightly, even if at the time it had been no laughing matter. He'd have gladly given his life to keep everyone else safe, but that didn't mean he'd been especially eager to die.

Tugging gently at Bones's arms, Jim tipped his head a little so he could try and look into his eyes. "How about we go elsewhere? You look like you need some rest, anyway."

"Like I ever would." He huffed at that, knowing full well he'd never regret giving Jim more reason to be in his personal space. Especially now that he knew this was all requited. It felt like he needed to keep reminding himself that, yes... Jim felt the same. He didn't need to be afraid about the other man not wanting the same thing he did. And Jim knew. He knew that if Leonard wanted to dive into a relationship, it was all or nothing.

Then Jim started to pull away. His brow furrowed at the loss of warmth and his head lowered to look at the space between them but not look up at Jim. He didn't want Jim to give too much mention to the tracks of tears over his cheeks. So he just didn't look. He shivered a little from the loss of Jim being close and closed his eyes. Sniffing once, he reached up with one hand to rub at his face while the other fell down to his thigh, useless between them. Trying to stomp down the insecure voice in his head,

Of course, Jim had to go and ruin it with that idiotic remark. Snorting soft and long, it burned in his eyes and built up more tears. Leonard knew he as good at deflecting with humor, but this time it really hurt and twisted up in knots in his chest. Part of him wondered if Jim would even joke like that if their roles were reversed. Or would it hurt like this?

Using the back of his hand and the sleeve of his shirt, he decided to wipe off his cheeks and swallow the tears back down. He highly doubted it was attractive at all. He was about to rub at them again when Jim tugged at him. Leonard started down between them a little longer before taking a breath and daring to look up at Jim with a wavering gaze. "Sure... yeah..." He rubbed more at his face a bit more adamant as he looked away. "Yeah, we can do that. Sorry. Should clean up first..."

The breaking point... (for winscenario)

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